Saturday Morning Covfefe: 5 Things with Olivia

Brewing truth with a double shot of “you can’t make this up."

Sipping on some café de olla here on the Texas border…In today’s episode of “You Can’t Make This Up,” America continues to outdo itself.

1. ICE’s “Athletically Allergic” Recruits

Trump’s mass-deportation machine is breaking down at the starting line…literally.

The United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has been sending recruits to training before completing fingerprinting, drug tests, or background checks, some with criminal histories, failed drug screens, or physical-fitness flunks. Others simply never met academic standards but were rushed in anyway to meet the goal of 10,000 new agents by year’s end.

And here’s the kicker, literally, if they could lift a leg. Standards have been lowered, training cut from 13 weeks to 6, and age limits dropped altogether. One official admitted bluntly: “They can’t even do push-ups.” The chaos is so bad that ICE is telling new hires to report to work in sneakers so they can do crunches on office carpets while waiting for equipment, vehicles, and background checks to catch up. Some are being rotated into admin jobs because they physically can’t do the work, and others were sent home for lying about it.

All of this while Trump demands 3,000 arrests a day and calls it “law and order.” But what it really is–is lawlessness in uniform: a slapdash force built on fear, bonuses, and lowered bars. Add masks to hide the chaos, and here we are today.

🧱🏋️‍♀️ ICE Recruits Skip Vetting: NBC | Athletically Allergic Agents: The Atlantic

2. State Media in Combat Boots

After nearly every credible Pentagon reporter refused to sign the administration’s new gag-order policy, the Defense Department didn’t restore press freedom; it replaced it.

In their seats now: a lineup of far-right outlets and influencers better known for conspiracy content than accountability: Gateway Pundit, Human Events, the National Pulse, RedState, Lindell TV, Real America’s Voice, the Post Millennial, Turning Point USA’s media arm, and the Epoch Times, a publication long tied to disinformation networks. Among them is also Tim Pool, a podcaster who was implicated in a $10 million Russian influence operation meant to inflame U.S. divisions. He joked that the new Pentagon policy required him to “give Pete Hegseth a kiss.” Funny, until you remember the incompetence of Hegseth running the Department of Defense.

Under the new rules, reporters must agree to publish only information pre-approved by the Pentagon, even when it’s unclassified. The administration calls it “the next generation of the press corps.” Nothing like state-sponsored media reporting from inside the Pentagon. When propaganda outlets hold press badges at the heart of U.S. defense, truth isn’t just censored, it’s weaponized. What a mockery they’re making of our military and of the journalists who risked their lives for its credibility.

🗞️ Right-Wing Pentagon Press Corps: The Guardian

3. The Shadow President: “Trauma Achieved”

While the chaos steals the headlines, Russell Vought is quietly running the show. As the Office of Management and Budget (OMB) director, he’s turned the government’s purse strings into a chokepoint, freezing congressionally approved funds and firing thousands.

The vibe is not “budget hawk.” It’s Christian-nationalist power play: slash USAID, gut the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB), starve research, and brand anything inconvenient as “woke and weaponized.” An AI video cast him as D.C.’s Grim Reaper; inside agencies, staff texted a two-word status report: “Trauma achieved.”

If you’ve been following my writing, you know I’ve been tracking Russ Vought closely, having worked with him during Trump 1.0. He is one of the most capable extremists working in this administration. Today, insiders say it outright: it feels like he is commander-in-chief. I highly recommend taking the time to read these deep dives on him. Democracy runs on statutes, not loyalty oaths. If you want to see rule by decree, watch who controls the money, and who gets shown the door.

🕳️ ProPublica: The Shadow President | 8 Things to Know About Vought

4. The Citizenship Test Just Got Harder, And So Did Becoming American

While we await the Supreme Court’s verdict on Trump’s bid to end birthright citizenship, his administration is already redefining who counts as “American.”

U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services just rolled out a tougher test, more questions, higher passing scores, and historical minutiae most Americans couldn’t answer. Civics teachers say it’s not just harder; it’s punitive.

Applicants now face 20 random questions and must get 12 right. The timing isn’t random, it comes as Trump allies push new laws demanding proof of citizenship to vote. The message is clear: if you can’t end citizenship outright, make belonging feel impossible.

It’s Jim Crow, the immigrant version, bureaucracy as barrier, language as weapon, patriotism turned into a pop quiz. One civics teacher said it best: “The real lesson of the Revolution is what it was fought for—freedom from an oppressive government—and who got left out.”

Let’s make it a group activity. I took the new test and guessed on two…cue the trolling in 3, 2, 1. But it’s true, I’ve got degrees in political science and theater, with minors in U.S. and world history, and still had to think twice.

Take the quiz and tell me how you did. I’ll send you a gold star, democracy’s just hoping for partial credit at this point.

🇺🇸 Can You Pass the New Citizenship Test?: WAPO

5. Shutdowns and Empty Plates

While the White House bankrolls a “Golden Dome” and a marble ballroom, 22 million families are staring at empty fridges. The government shutdown has frozen Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) funding, the most significant food-assistance cut in U.S. history, leaving states warning that November benefits won’t arrive. Food banks, already stretched thin, are now expected to bridge the gap with no federal support. Here in Texas, where I’m visiting this week, several people I’ve chatted with at local businesses are worried about what’s coming, a quiet crisis already unfolding at their kitchen tables. Republicans claim that this in the spirit of fiscal discipline and blame the Democrats, but let’s call it what it really is: right-wing oligarchs manufacturing a hunger crisis.

🍞 When the Safety Net Snaps: CNBC

​​I usually end with something hopeful: music, a quote, or a little light to carry into the weekend. But this week, I couldn’t help myself and wrote you a longer note earlier: “The One Thing Stronger Than Fear.” So this time, I’ll end with something different, a film that’s still sitting with me.

🎬 Weekend Extra: A House of Dynamite

I had the chance to see Kathryn Bigelow’s A House of Dynamite in an advanced screening a few weeks ago, and I stopped eating my popcorn halfway through because I thought I might choke on it.

As someone who’s spent long nights in the White House Situation Room advising during national security crises, this one hit differently. A lone missile launched toward the U.S., a race to find out who’s behind it, and a White House scrambling to respond, it felt all too real.

Bigelow has always mastered tension, but this time it isn’t cinematic; it’s existential. Watching it knowing who is currently holding the nuclear “football” makes it feel less like a thriller and more like a horror film. And maybe it’s just me, but when one of the main characters, named Olivia, was fielding those desperate calls from the country’s leadership, the parallels weren’t lost.

It’s rare for a movie to feel like both a warning and a memory. This one does. It’s not fiction, it’s foresight. It plays like a classified briefing most Americans were never meant to see. Beautifully made, brilliantly acted, and gut-level real, it forces you to sit in silence afterward and ask: If this happened today, who would we trust to make the call?

Watch it. Not just for the cinema, but for the reminder that leadership, judgment, and humanity still matter when the countdown clock starts. A House of Dynamite is now streaming on Netflix.

See you next week! (For my current random adventures, follow me on my instagram.)
-Olivia